Using advanced level empathy

Advanced level empathy works more (but not exclusively) with implied feelings – those that lie below the surface – and hunches. The aim is to help clients see their problems and concerns more clearly and in a context that will enable them to move forward.

Hunches can be communicated as follows:

To get a larger picture

‘It seems that the problem is not only in the relationship between you and the charge nurse; it looks as if the war between you has spread to the rest of the team.’

‘I’ve noticed recently that when you talk about your feelings you seem to somehow cushion them. For example, today you said that you got a “teeny bit” annoyed with..., you were “quite” upset with..., you feel “pretty” anxious about... I’ve got a hunch that maybe cushioning your feelings serves a very important purpose for you...’

To challenge indirect expression or implication

‘What I think I’m hearing is that it’s more than disappointment about the end of the friendship, perhaps it’s also about pain and anger.’

To draw logical conclusions

‘From what you say about the charge nurse, although you haven’t actually used the word, I wonder if you’re feeling bitter towards him.’

To challenge hints

‘Several times over about the last three sessions, you’ve brought up relationships with men, though you haven’t pursued them, although the door was left open for you. My hunch is that sexual relationships is an important subject, yet you find it difficult to address it.’

To challenge blind spots

‘I wonder if the way you laugh at serious things give some people the impression of an attitude of not caring and of being cynical.’

‘I’m wondering if you realise that when you talk about your grandfather your face radiates warmth and you become animated, yet when you mention your father your face goes pale, your voice goes quiet, and you almost seem to shrink in size...’

To identify themes

‘Several times you’ve mentioned certain things about women. I wonder if underlying that points to an attitude that puts women down. For example, you said, “I don’t think women drivers are as reliable as men”. Then you said... “What do you think about that?”’

To own thoughts

‘My hunch is that you’ve already decided to pack that job in, though you haven’t said so in so many words.’

The ability to identify implied feelings is closely linked to intuition and imagination. For many of us, however, the imagination and intuition we were born with have been overlaid by thinking and sensing activities. Careful nurturing and use will help them to resurface.

Example 1 – advanced level empathy – Susan to her friend Mandy

‘Just listen to us. We’re both talking, but we’re not really listening, I mean. Are we all so self-centred that we can’t take time to listen to each other?’

Identified feelings: Angry, disappointed, furious, ready to explode, ready to pull out, ready to wash your hands of the whole group.

Mandy says: ‘Susan, I hear your anger coming from a long way down, as if you’ve been keeping it in check for some time, and even now you don’t really want to let it out in case someone gets hurt. I also sense that tied up with the anger is an intense disappointment which is almost pushing you out of the group, because we are not listening to your needs.’

Example 2 – advanced level empathy – John talking with Dave, his teenage son

John says: ‘Dave, we’ve been fighting each other for years, not listening to each other, pushing our own views and competing with each other. Today, it’s like we’ve really talked. And you know, Dave, it’s been great talking with you rather than at you. Maybe I’ve been afraid of that.’

Identified feelings: Achieved something, at peace, fulfilled, load taken off, moving closer, new ground, relief, satisfied.

Dave says: ‘Dad, it seems as if you and I have been talking at each other from different planets, or from different sides of the earth. Now we’re talking face-to-face, man-to-man, and that feels good. It’s as if we’ve both won a tremendous victory, and now you feel we can work hard at establishing peace between us.’

Example 3 – advanced level empathy – George

This example uses the situation in Example 1 of primary level where George is talking to his counsellor about his girlfriend, Jenny, and says: ‘I keep telling myself not to move too quickly with Jenny. She’s so quiet, and when she does say anything, it’s usually how nervous she is. It’s obvious to me that when I say anything to her she gets fidgety and anxious, then I wish I hadn’t opened my mouth. It’s like a checkmate. If I move I push her away, and if I don’t move, nothing will happen between us, and I’ll lose her anyway.’

Identified feelings: Anxious, Catch-22, cautious, frustrated, protective, regret.

Counsellor says: ‘George, it seems that you feel quite frustrated that things are not developing with Jenny as quickly as you would like, and that there’s something in the relationship that makes you both back off. Yet I also sense that you feel there’s something about you that puts her off, and that maybe you feel things will never come to anything, and yet you feel trapped somehow and not able to let go.’

Forms of advanced empathic responding:

• ‘I can sense that you feel...’
• ‘I have this hunch that...’
• ‘The picture I am getting...’
• ‘I have a fantasy that...’
• ‘The image I am getting is one of...’
• ‘I imagine you...’
• I guess it’s as if...’
• ‘My gut feeling is...’

When formulating advanced empathic responses it must be remembered that implied facts and feelings are never stated as absolutes; they are hunches, and as such they must be tentative.

Examples of advanced empathy

Let’s pick up again with Pat, Paul, Claire, Ellen and Danny and see how the counsellor might use advanced empathy.

Pat:

Counsellor to Pat: ‘Pat, I can sense that you feel very distraught about what has happened, and you seem to be holding on to a lot of pain.’ (Pat bursts into tears.)

Paul:

Counsellor to Paul: ‘Paul, I have a hunch I would like to share with you. I somehow get a picture of someone who is struggling to keep his head above water, but the setbacks he keeps getting leave him feeling as if he’s beginning to drown in a sea of despair.’

Claire:

Counsellor to Claire: ‘Claire, the image I am getting is of someone who has lost all hope of ever being able to stop harming herself. It’s as if she feels so useless that she deserves to be punished in some way.’

Ellen:

Counsellor to Ellen: ‘Ellen, the picture I am getting is like a photograph that has been torn in two. In one part of the photograph I see a woman who is filled with hope because she has found a man she would like to share her life with. However, the other part shows a very different story. In this part I see a woman who is filled with confusion and ... perhaps ... guilt ... because she feels as if she is being unfaithful to her beloved Charlie by even considering the idea of sharing her life with another man. It feels to me as if she’s in a no win situation – like there is no way she can see how the two torn pieces can ever be repaired.’

Danny

Counsellor to Danny: ‘Danny, the image I am getting is of a young man who perhaps lacks self-confidence, and who uses drink to give himself Dutch courage to join in, and perhaps to be accepted by his mates? But when he drinks it seems to completely change his character from a person who is usually quiet and inoffensive, to a person who is loud, punchy and aggressive – a bit like Jekyll and Hyde. I somehow sense that the quiet Danny feels embarrassed and ashamed by the behaviour of the loud and aggressive Danny, and quiet Danny would like to be able to control loud Danny’s unacceptable behaviour.’