Firstly, there is no easy or cosy way to approach this subject.  It is horrid and tough on all concerned. But, there are some things that might help to make it a bit better.

Most care staff are underpaid and the majority are doing a job that a lot of us would not, or could not do.  They deserve  thanks and respect and probably much more money.  However, carers deal with dementia every day and whilst they are not immune to the sadness they do tend to be matter of fact and sometimes simply brusque.  On the other hand you, the spouse, daughter, son, life long friend, may not have experienced dementia at all and it is upsetting, frightening and complex.

Always try to remember the sufferer as he or she used to be before dementia took hold.  Although they have an illness they are still your friend or family.  Work hard on their behalf and pay attention to detail.  If they always had half a teaspoonful of sugar in their tea make sure that is what they get – not no sugar or a desert spoon of sugar – just half a spoon, as they like it.  If they enjoyed wearing bright colours continue to buy them bright colours and ensure that they are always wearing their own clothes.  Of course it is difficult for a care home not to mix up laundry now and again but it should be an occasional mistake and not the norm.

When you visit try and be cheerful and chatty to the staff.  They do a grinding job and many of them don’t speak English as a first language, but if you can develop a rapport it will have a direct effect on the way your loved one is treated. 

If you can, try to build a picture of the person’s life – including what their job was,  what hobbies the enjoyed and what sort of music they enjoyed listening to.  Put up some pictures of them in happier times and label them clearly.  Many people suffering from dementia can read easily and a name on a photo might just trigger a memory or enable a carer to chat and ask questions.

Now and again visit at random times.  A good care home will have no strict visiting hours and you should have access 24 hours a day.  Let the staff know that your sufferer is deeply cared about.  If the person you are visiting is asleep or perhaps having a bath or visiting the loo, take the opportunity to chat to other residents.  You might end up having some very quirky conversations but you will have cheered up the day for them and hopefully another visitor will talk to your resident one day.

Routine is good but so is variety.  Take along a postcard, photo, an illustrated book or a bunch of flowers. If the person was a gardener or a birdwatcher you might be surprised just how much they remember.  If they like chocolate, take them chocolate!  The staff might not be delighted and may mutter about ‘balanced diets and nutrition’ but if your person was a chocoholic (assuming there is no medical reason not to) let them have a couple of squares of their favorite treat.  Likewise, if they liked a tipple, as long as it won’t interfere with any medication, let them have a little of what they fancy and while they’re at it, you have one too. 

Sometimes people suffering from dementia become cross and aggressive and it is quite common for the most mild mannered person to suddenly take to using foul language.  Whilst this is upsetting don’t let it worry you too much.  The anger and abuse is not directed at you and neither are you the cause of it.  It is all part of their illness.  Talk to the staff about it and ask their advice.  Often changing the subject, going for a little walk or even just popping outside for a few minutes is enough to diffuse things.

And finally, keep visiting, hold their hands and talk to them.  On some level you will have helped.

This content was provided by one of our users, Sheena