How to Set Good Boundaries
Good boundaries protect us from behaviour we would prefer not to have in our lives and they ensure our emotional and personal safety. They form a psychological framework in which we can relate to each other with confidence, respect, clarity, peace and trust. Boundary setting is a self assertive behaviour, a wise measure, and simply brings into conscious awareness expectations we have for how others will treat us.
Whenever we feel irritated or angry, the likelihood is that someone somewhere has stepped on a boundary that we have either not yet made conscious, or have not had the courage to make clear. Bringing these into consciousness and self assertively defending them if necessary, improves relationships and our own sense of self responsibility and command. We have a right to state what we would like to happen in our lives and also what we would prefer not to happen. We can decide for instance who can touch us and what we would find inappropriate; who can come into our home and what they can do there; how we use our time. We can decide when to say 'no' and when to say 'yes'. And we owe it to others to be clear so that they too can be in no doubt about what we feel comfortable with.
We can set, change, up-date and revise our boundaries at any time, though hopefully because we want to and not because we are under pressure to do so.
There are 5 stages to setting a good boundary.
- I need to know the boundary
- I need to have the courage to tell you kindly and directly what the boundary is
- I need to know how I'll follow through if you step on the boundary
- I need to be willing if necessary to renegotiate ideally at a different time and in a different space
- I need to take care of my feelings and respect you that you will take care of your own.
For example: One of my boundaries is that there is no smoking in my consulting room.
- I know this and that the boundary is firm and will not alter unless I want it to – it doesn't change because you're my friend, because you want it to, because you're anxious or are going through a divorce, etc.
- If you should attempt to light a cigarette I will tell you clearly, directly but lightly that there is no smoking in my room
- Should you continue to light a cigarette, I will ask you politely to leave my room, though you may of course smoke outside
- Before I invite you into my room again I will meet you in the waiting room and say lightly, 'Do we both remember that there's no smoking in my room?'
- I feel Ok about protecting my boundary, knowing that if I don't, I'll start to resent you and your behaviour and our relationship will be doomed. That would be my fault, not yours, since I didn't have the courage to stand up for my right. Since our relationship is important to me, it's my responsibility to make, defend and uphold my boundaries.
So…
- What leaves you feeling irritated or angry?
- Is there a boundary there that you're not fully aware of?
- What is it?
- Now, decide upon what you would like to do about that and using the steps above, write down your proposal for how you're going to deal with it.
I know that you'll feel much more secure and in command of your life. Enjoy!!
Dr Brenda Davies
Consultant Psychiatrist, Spiritual Healer
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