Child Abuse

No matter how much you don’t want it to, child abuse exists, and very often someone the child knows who is doing the abusing. Abuse frequently causes severe problems for the child when the cumulative effects of the abuse surface in later life.

Child abuse can be physical, sexual, and emotional, and also abuse from neglect.

Possible signs

The longer the abuse has been allowed to continue the more signs of that abuse there will be. When viewing the possible indicators of child abuse listed below, I urge you to use extreme caution.

One indication of child abuse is that a child could suddenly be very reluctant to visit their Grandpa George, or Uncle Harry. Don’t jump to conclusions if this happens, because there are a million other explanations, which have nothing to do with abuse. For example, if Grandpa George fell asleep on the last visit and the child doesn’t want to go again because he was bored silly while Grandpa was sitting in the armchair snoring. Similarly, Uncle Harry may have told the child off for breaking a window, or stopped them from playing near the river on their last visit, so the child would simply prefer to go somewhere that they can do what they want to without Uncle Harry spoiling their fun! Don’t assume that the presence of any of these indicators means that somebody is abusing your child.

Remember that these indicators should never be taken in isolation. If one or two seem to apply to your child, take a closer look. If several of them seem to apply to your child, I suggest that you take them seriously and look into the matter further, but never, never, never jump to conclusions.

• Physical injury, unexplained bruises, cuts, scratches.
• Inappropriate use of words or actions with a sexual or violent content.
• Possible comments from school about words or behaviour; sexual or violent drawings in art class.
• Withdrawal in both personality and actions, dropping friends and favourite pastimes, withdrawing to their room, spending a lot of time alone.
• Dislike or avoidance of normal hugs from mum or dad.
• Nightmares, bed-wetting and other sleep disruption.
• Refusing to eat, or demanding certain foods.
• Refusing to go to school, or leaving for school but never arriving, or staying as long as possible at school.
• Fighting, temper tantrums, destructive behaviour.
• Threatening to or actually running away from home.
• Sudden character changes, becoming disruptive, starting arguments or fights.
• Signs of stress at certain times – for example when Uncle Harry or Cousin Mary is mentioned (women can abuse children too).
• Self injury, self harming.
• Attempts at suicide which may be a half-hearted cry for help or a genuine attempt.
• Possible aggression towards others, becoming a bully, abusing smaller children.

Remember that any actions or behaviour that are out of character, and which reflect or mirror the sort of behaviour described in this list might indicate that the child has been abused. It might also be a sign that they are being bullied at school or that they have learning difficulties, or a number of other possibilities.

If in doubt, speak to the child. If you get nowhere seek expert advice.

Perhaps you may have concerns about a child at a house nearby, or one you see on your way to school with your child. If you have any evidence or concerns that a child is being abused, make a note of the circumstances and then report your concerns to the police, social services or the NSPCC.

General Child Protection Advice

Bullying or abuse will hopefully not be an issue for most children, but there are still some significant topics that a parent or carer must know about and try to teach the children in their care.

Stranger danger

Every parent and carer must teach their children about the possible dangers that they face from strangers. Just getting smaller children to understand the concept of ‘strangers’ is quite hard. There is no need to scare them, or make them feel that every single person in the world is a homicidal maniac! But you do have to make them understand that ‘strangers’ might be nasty.

Perhaps you could describe a stranger as somebody you do not know. No matter what they look like, no matter if they are friendly and helpful, and no matter if they say they have a puppy or that mum sent them.

• Teach your children that they should avoid talking to strangers, especially when there is nobody else around.
• On the other hand you want to teach them that if they get lost or in trouble, they are allowed to talk to some strangers. Make them understand the difference between talking to a guy in a raincoat lurking in the bushes, and talking to a husband and wife in the high street, or the lady behind the counter at the sweet shop. If you achieve that, you know that they will be happy to approach somebody safe to ask for help if they do get lost or hurt.
• Teach your child how to recognise somewhere that is safe. You can make it a little game with smaller children. While walking to school, or going shopping, talk about safe places. Point out standing with the school-crossing lady as a safe place. Point out the library as a safe place and go in to see where the person in charge sits so that the child knows that it is OK to go there. Make it a little game; get the child to guess which are safe places and which are not. Praise them if they get it right, and educate them if they get it wrong. Make a point of finishing on a high note – after they have picked two safe places in a row.
• Teach children about their personal safety zone. If you want to, tell them to imagine that they are in a big bubble, and that if strangers reach out towards them they will pop that bubble, which is something that they must avoid at all costs. Make the child realise that they are safer if they stay six feet away from people on foot or in vehicles. If the stranger comes closer move back to protect your bubble. If the stranger keeps coming run to somewhere safe!
• Teach them not to get into a car or any other vehicle with strangers, and not to get so close that they could be pulled in.
• Teach them that nasty people might try to trick them into coming close by asking for directions, saying they have a puppy in the car, or saying that mum or dad has asked them to come. Teach them that nasty people might even know their name, but whatever the nasty people do to trick them into going with them they should say no and run to a safe place.
• Teach your child that they own their body, and that nobody can touch them in a way they don’t like.
• Teach them that some people, including people they know, may want to do things that they want to keep secret. Teach them that they have a right to say no to anyone, adult or child, who wants them to do something they don’t want to do and that nothing has to be a secret from mum and dad.
• When they are ready, teach your child the difference between private and normal parts of their body. Teach them that normal areas of the body such as hands, head, shoulders are sometimes touched by other people when teaching them to write, playing or guiding them where they have to go. At the same time teach them which areas of their body are private, and explain that usually nobody should touch these areas. Explain that doctors and nurses sometime have to look at normal and private bits of the body to make you better when you are sick, but nobody else should be allowed to look at or touch them, or ask the child to touch their private areas.
• When the children are old enough, you can expand on the reason nasty people are nasty. You know your children, and you could take an opportunity if you have just read a book or watched a film with the nasty ‘child catcher’ in it. When they are ready, and when you feel it is right, you can explain that some adults are sick so they like to hurt children or take them away. Don’t go into inappropriate details about paedophiles, just make them understand that a nasty man or woman could harm them badly.
• Teach your children that you can’t always tell if somebody is a nice person or a nasty person. Teach them that they should suspect everybody, except those safe people you have practised picking out. For example, they can trust teachers they know, police officers in uniform, the school crossing guard, and the lady behind the till in a big shop.
• Teach your child to say no to anything that they don’t like. For example, if a man says he is a teacher and wants the child to come into the bushes where somebody has left a toy. Teach the child that they don’t necessarily have to obey any adult, no matter what authority or position they claim to have.
• Teach the child that if somebody does grab them, they should shout and scream, kick and bite, punch and scratch – anything to get away. That is going to surprise the one in a million people who do grab a child to stop them running under a bus, but they will understand.
• You are teaching your child to behave and obey teachers, and crossing guards, and the leader at the play centre, and the swimming pool guard and the referee, but sometimes they can disobey a grown up. Explain to them when they are able to really understand that when a teacher says, ‘stand still’ or ‘Come here’, they should obey. But, if that nasty man or lady or bigger boy in the park tells them to come here, they are allowed to run away to a safe place, and they won’t get into trouble for it. Then teach them that even some teachers do naughty things, and if a teacher wants to touch them, or wants the child to touch them, they can say no and tell you all about it.
• As soon as you can, teach your child how to use the telephone, so that they can call for help. They should know how to pick up the phone, dial 999, ask for the police, tell the operator what has happened, what their name is and where they are. They should hopefully know their name, address and a phone number where mum or dad can be contacted.
• Teach them that they should only trust a police officer in uniform, especially if they are in a marked police car or van. They should never trust somebody who is in normal clothes who pretends they are a police officer.
• Never ever make a police officer out to be bad. I have lost count of the times when I have been on duty and a parent has seen me approaching in full uniform and said something to their child like, ‘If you don’t behave the policeman will take you away.’ Don’t do it! You should want your child to think of a police officer in uniform as a safe haven from any problem or worry, not as a possible ogre who will take them away from mum and dad.
• Where a child has been abused, often the parent and/or child knew the abuser. Parents must be aware of stranger danger too – according to reports taken when children have been abducted or abused, the parents sometimes had an inkling that the person who did it was ‘not quite right’, ‘a little strange’, ‘too good to be true’ etc. A single man who offers to babysit, a couple who seem to take more interest in your children than you do. You have gut instincts – trust them!
• Teach your child that if anyone does ask them to go with them, try to touch them, offer them a ride in a car, ask them to look for a lost puppy etc, they should refuse. They should go and tell mum or dad, or a teacher or other safe person as soon as they can.
• By the time the child understands all of this, they will probably be old enough to be looking for a little bit of freedom. For example, wanting to go to the playing field with their friends or go to the shop to buy a comic. Now that they know about nasty people who they may or may not already know, they should understand and accept your request that they should always tell you where they are going, agree when they should be back and tell you who they are going with before they go anywhere.
• If you go anywhere new, especially if it is big, crowded or unusual, as soon as you arrive agree a meeting point in case you are separated. Look for a landmark at the venue and agree that if you are separated for any reason you will all immediately go to that place and meet up again. You may want to give all small children a card with your name and mobile phone number, as well as writing a description of your meeting place so that if they are found a ‘safe’ person can call you and arrange to meet up at the meeting place.
• If the child is lost at a large event or venue, seek help from the staff, stewards and marshals as soon as you can. The more people who are looking the better. As soon as you can involve the event managers, they can request all staff, particularly those manning exit gates, to look out for the lost child.

Knowing who the abusers are

Usually the police and other agencies will only inform members of the public if a known sex offender or other dangerous person is living in the area in rare and exceptional circumstances. The police and other agencies will be aware of their presence, and will monitor them bearing in mind any court orders and curfews. Parents could ask any club or organisation that their child belongs to (such as kick boxing, brownies, children’s summer camp) what their child protection policy is and the extent to which staff are trained and police checked. At least that will hopefully reassure them that all members of staff and volunteers have been checked and have no record of sexual abuse or violence.

Any properly-run organisation should have a written policy on staff checks and employment, which should be available to the parents. Having a policy is not enough though. Parents should satisfy themselves that the policy is adhered to. For example is the gym club teacher letting her teenage son (who has not been checked by police) help out on busy weekends? Be suspicious of any organisations that exclude adult spectators during sessions, particularly acting/modelling assignments. Take note of what is happening at training sessions. For example, have you given permission for your child’s picture to be taken during swimming lessons? Who is taking the pictures and what will they be used for? Is the child’s private piano/maths/whatever lesson occurring strictly behind closed doors – if so why?

Be healthily sceptical. Take an interest in what your child is doing or learning at the club. Drop in for an unannounced visit occasionally. Talk to your child, and ask them to explain what the lessons were today. Get them to show you what they had to do. If you have any suspicions take it further. If you have cause for concern follow it up; don’t assume that that nice Mr Biggins couldn’t possibly be doing anything wrong. He may have run the club for 30 years without complaint, but you might be the first parent in all that time to question what he is doing and discover that everything is not as it should be.

General advice to parents

• Know where your children are. As far as is possible try to know where your children are at all times. When they are babies you need to have them in your sight every moment, but as they mature and prove they are worthy of your trust, you can allow them more freedom. You don’t have to keep track of them minute by minute, but even as they become teenagers, you should broadly know where they are and who they are with.
• Know who their friends are. If you take an interest, without quizzing them under bright lights, you should know who your children’s friends are, where they live and what they are interested in. Knowing that, you may need to impose some reasonable and explained restrictions on which houses your child can visit without you. For example, an eight year old may not be able to go to Jason’s house alone, because he will have to cross three main roads to get there.
• Get involved in your child’s life. By getting involved you will know what they are doing, what their moods are, what they like and dislike. All these things are critical to their safety. You have to know what normal behaviour is so that you can spot abnormal behaviour, which may be an indication of a problem.
• Listen to your child. Get to know how they talk and express themselves. When you know that, you will be in a better position to spot clues and nuances of speech which may indicate that they are trying to talk to your about something difficult. That ‘something’ may be bullying, illness, drugs or any number of important topics. Really listening will be worthwhile.
• Watch what people do with your children and their reaction to them. An abuser has to get close to a family and a child to make the opportunity for the contact that they crave. By being aware of how people approach your child, you can form an opinion as to how appropriate that might be, especially if the child is showing reluctance.
• Teach your child that he can say no, or run away to protect himself. We try to teach children to behave, to obey adults and to be polite, but we must also find a way to teach them to be clever! They have to obey mum and dad, they must do what a police officer or crossing guard tells them to do, and they must obey a teacher. They should also respect and obey other adults — usually. What if the teacher or babysitter is an abuser? What if the policeman is a kidnapper? Teach your child that their first priority is to stay safe.
• Never leave a child alone in a car. There are too many risks. The car may catch fire, the child may start the car or release a brake, the child could choke on a sweet, the child may be abducted or could suffer heat exhaustion and die in very hot weather. There are other risks; just don’t do it.
• Let everyone know if plans change. You want your children to tell you if they decide to do something different, to go somewhere other than they said they were going, so I suggest that you return the favour. If your plans change or you are running late due to train cancellations or whatever, let the kids letting people know if your plans change is an acceptable and normal thing to do, not a rule you impose on them to humiliate and embarrass them in front of their friends.
• Train them to be safe. As soon as they are old enough, train them and reinforce that training by playing educational games when you are out. Get them to point out safe people who they would go to if they are ever hurt or in trouble. Praise them if they pick crossing guards or police officers, but be patient and explain why they are wrong if they pick strangers. Similarly, get them to pick safe places, police stations, hospitals, libraries, large supermarkets etc. You could also get them used to how a public telephone works so that they at least know the principles and can dial 999 if they need to. Make sure that they know their name and address, a telephone number where mum or dad can be contacted, and that they start getting to know the places you travel to. If they are lost but know where they are, at least they can say it is Tesco in Bracknell, rather than just ‘a shop’.