Healing hint 6

Healing hints 6 comes from Jo4 – it too provides insight into the subject of releasing emotions. The information is included in a leaflet Jo wrote on self-harm for Guernsey Association for Mental Health – MIND.

Releasing emotions
By Jo

• Do you ever feel like screaming?
• Do you ever feel as though your life is going out of control?
• Do you hate yourself?
• Have you ever been abused and blame yourself for what has happened?

If you have answered ‘yes’ to any of the above, what follows may be of some help to you. I hope it is. I have been a ‘self-harmer’ for about 16 years and I have found ways of coping with these feelings, which may be of help to others with a similar problem.

• Do you ever feel like screaming?
  • at the people who care for you?
  • at people passing in the street?
  • at the cat or dog?

Screaming is a natural way of releasing tension: but it isn’t acceptable to scream in the middle of the supermarket or other public place. I often feel like screaming when life feels unfair and I have been hurt.

I try to talk to someone before reaching this point so as to avoid bottling up everything inside myself. Even if all that can be said to a colleague at work is ‘I’m having a bit of an off day today’, this will help release some of the tension.

Exercise can sometimes calm me down, and a brisk walk for ten to fifteen minutes will dampen down my need to scream. Writing down the things that are making you want to scream at that moment can also bring release. If all else fails, find a quiet spot and have a good scream, or go and thump a pillow, or tear up some cardboard boxes. The worst thing that can happen are flying feathers or bits of card to clear up.

Do you ever feel as though your life is going out of control?

Sometimes it feels as though someone else is driving and you don’t know how to stop. It can seem like a fairground ride that gets faster and faster so that you feel confused, dizzy, and sick.

So take time out and find a few minutes to relax, and breathe deeply. Say to yourself: ‘this is my life, I am in control: I will be OK and things will get better’.

Nothing lasts for ever. Especially at night, it can seem as though it will never end, particularly if your heart is breaking and you just can’t cry anymore.

Try to talk to someone. If you have no friends or family, or if the problem involves one of them, ring the Samaritans. They are there 24 hours a day and are always ready to listen. Often, just the knowledge that someone is there stops the world spinning so fast.

So give yourself time. This can be a great healer. The hurt that is so deep inside you and breaking you apart will ease. Treat yourself kindly, and give yourself time to unwind with a magazine and a cup of tea and a biscuit. If there is no one to talk to you could try writing things down. List the things that are causing your life to run out of control and this may help you to see possible solutions. And don’t be afraid to ask for help. Many people are prepared to help if they are asked and know the problem. To harm yourself is the easy way out, since the pain you inflict on yourself masks the pain you feel inside. But in turn, this causes grief and a sense of rejection in your family and friends. Is this what you really want?

Do you hate yourself?

This is easy to do; to blame yourself for all that is wrong in your life and for things that haven’t worked out, and for the times you have been hurt. Self-harm is easy. Because you hate yourself it is easy to punish your body, and this becomes a vicious circle. So your body becomes scarred, and you can dislike yourself even more.

It is important to love yourself. Try to find the good things which others see in you and concentrate on these. Everybody has good points. It may be that you are friendly and helpful; perhaps you have a special talent for drawing or for baking cakes.

Try to build up these good points and let yourself receive praise. Allow others to love you and be your friends. When you are feeling low it is very easy to push others away and say ‘I want to be alone’. This is when you need other people’s support and friendship most. It is an uphill struggle to learn to love yourself, and may be possible only after months or even years of hate, but it is possible. Try to think of one positive thought about yourself every day.

Have you ever been abused and blame yourself for what has happened?

Abuse can take many forms: physical, emotional and sexual; and it can occur at many and different times in your life. It may be that you will need counselling in order to come to terms with the abuse you’ve suffered. I am not qualified to give advice, though I have been abused myself. This is a hard thing to come to terms with. The first step is to stop blaming yourself for what happened. If you have been abused it is easy to feel that you are worthless. Yet everyone is special and unique including you.

Self-harm may only aggravate the situation, so why hurt yourself? Surely you have been hurt enough already! Sometimes this can be a cry for help, but it often goes unanswered in the frustration of the situation. Self-harm can be anger which should be directed at the abuser but which is turned in on yourself. Please seek counselling or other help and advice before self-harming.

Summary

In summary, then, there are many reasons for self-harm and I have only covered a few. The most common reaction from others to my harming myself is anger, and that I am wasting their time. It is much better to say to someone, ‘I need help with this situation or problem; please help me.’ People are much more likely to listen and help than if you self-harm. Apart from this, I have had two operations to correct damage I have inflicted on myself. So I say to anyone tempted to self-harm:

Copyright © Guernsey Association for Mental Health – MIND

Used with permission

Healing hint 7

The following wise and comforting words for survivors of childhood sexual abuse comes from Jenny Stucke,5 who runs Directory and Book Services.

Wise and comforting words
By Jenny Stucke

When you have been sexually abused as a child, you may lose all sense of self-worth. It can be hard to believe anyone could love you, to feel that anyone does, no matter what they say or do. It can be difficult to take care of your body, which you might hate and blame. You may not even want to live.

The legacy of childhood sexual abuse can be devastating, making itself felt years later, and seeming insurmountable at times. Adults who were sexually abused as children often find they have a host of difficulties: Depression, illness, eating disorders, problems with sex and intimacy, or drug and alcohol abuse. They may find themselves in dangerous situations again and again, as if some basic safety skills are missing. Or be driven to hurt themselves, cut themselves, finding some relief from the intolerable pain in making it visible.

Children are about ten times more likely to be abused in their own homes, schools and clubs, than by a stranger. The abuser is most likely to be someone known and trusted by the child, needed, even loved.

In these circumstances, the only way a child can survive is to blame him or herself. ‘I must have brought it on myself. I must be dirty and bad for him to hurt me like that.’ Incredible as it may seem, this is easier to live with than the enormity of the betrayal that actually occurred. As children, we instinctively know that our survival depends on these bigger people. So we protect them to save ourselves, but in doing so take on an awful and unjust burden of self-blame.

There are often elements of sexual abuse which feel physically pleasurable, adding to the feelings of confusion, guilt and shame. It might be the hugging, the attention, the treats, or the genital stimulation. All these things are pleasurable; it’s normal to find them pleasurable. That the abuser used these good things to hurt us, as part of something despicable, is not our fault. There is no blame, no culpability that can be attached to the victim of the abuse.

Adults who were sexually abused as children may go for years without telling anyone about what happened to them. They may have been threatened with awful consequences if they did tell. They may believe the adults around them need to be protected from such knowledge, or be sure that they would be blamed, or accused of lying. In many cases, children do try to tell, verbally or otherwise, but no one can hear them or believe them. Is it any wonder they then stay silent?

A particular life event, like having a child or losing a loved one, can spark a flashback years later. Or the childhood abuse may be mentioned in seeking help for another problem. The ways of being that protected us as children can be destructive to what we want from our adult lives. Not feeling anything is one way of surviving the abuse, but there comes a time when we want to feel. To feel joy, love, anger; to live. Sometimes it just becomes too much of a strain to carry on trying to act ‘normal’, feeling all the time that you don’t fit in. Many people will try everything else first, and only when it is unavoidable will they look at their experience of sexual abuse. It is a difficult and brave step.

There is help available. It is still sometimes hard to find, but there are more trained counsellors, more self-help groups, more good books, each year. For people who already feel so isolated and different, it’s easy to think: ‘Yes, but they don’t apply to me’.

Don’t talk yourself out of what you need and deserve to have

If you are reading this as someone who has been sexually abused, you have already started your healing. You have courage, and will need encouragement. The healing process may involve looking more closely at what happened, remembering more of what was done to you and how you felt. It involves work and commitment, grief and anger. But it ends the isolation and secrecy. It gradually cuts away the lies that became part of us and can cripple us with self-hate. It teaches us to trust and love ourselves, and to interact with others more safely and more satisfyingly.

Whatever leads you to finally seek help, know that it is worth it; that you are worth it

Copyright © 1997 Jenny Stucke

Directory And Book Services (DABS)

Used with permission

Healing hint 8: Kate

Finding effective distractions and alternatives has been very useful... writing down things that worry me and putting them away until I can deal with them, worrying about things only when I absolutely have to, then dealing with them the best I can. Talking about the abuse I experienced in the past – just letting it out, and having other people tell me that it is okay for me to feel upset about these things – validation about feelings I’ve had for so many years and not been able to talk about.

I’ve started writing stories about my experiences, as if they happened to someone else, then looking at the things my character did from an impartial standpoint and seeing that I coped the best I could and that I wasn’t really to blame for a lot of things I had been carrying around on my shoulders for many years.

I’ve also started writing poetry. It’s not very good but it’s a way of expressing emotions rather than just bottling them up.

Healing hint 9: A collection of self-help tips

‘Writing is medicine. It is an appropriate antidote to injury. It is an appropriate companion for any difficult change.’
Julia Cameron 6

Gaining relief through writing

• ‘Write down what you think and feel no matter what it is, and keep it safe as it’s a part of you. If possible, share what you have written with someone you trust.’
• ‘I have written a lot about my feelings and experiences which has provided an alternative release.’
• ‘Writing down your feelings or writing imaginary letters to people who have upset or angered you can help.’
• ‘A lot of writing helps. I wrote posters with specific messages, which I hung on my bedroom wall at the hospital.’
• ‘Write poetry.’

Keep a journal or diary

• ‘Try to set aside half an hour a day to write down your thoughts and feelings. Go with the flow. Write whatever comes into your head. Don’t censure or edit your writing. At the end of the week, read through your journal. Note whether any particular thoughts, feelings or themes have emerged. Getting your thoughts and feelings out on paper is therapeutic – it can help you see things more clearly and put things into perspective, so keep your journal going. If you are in counselling or therapy, or in a trusting relationship, it might help to share any common thoughts, feelings or themes identified.’
• ‘I often write down what I feel in my diary but this is often when I have cut myself. However, sometimes after I have written in my diary my tense feelings lessen and I don’t feel I need to cut myself.’
• ‘Writing a mood diary has helped me become visible and makes my feelings visible to myself and my counsellor.’

Expressing feelings through drawing and artwork

• ‘Drawing how I feel, using shapes, colours, diagrams – also drawing into the picture some hope or an “escape route”(other than a razor). This has really helped me.’
• ‘Painting has been a big help – painting the anger, frustration or pain has sometimes removed the need to self-harm.’

Talking is healing

• ‘I find it hard to trust people and it is not always easy to talk, but it is better to talk than cut.’
• ‘Talk to a friend who doesn’t get frightened by what you do.’
• ‘Don’t block things out, or suppress your feelings. Find someone you trust and feel comfortable to share you feelings with. It helps to get all your thoughts and feelings out in the open. Owning your feelings is freedom. Denying your feelings is pain. They are yours and are not right or wrong – they just are. Responsibility comes with how you behave in response to them.’

Be kind to yourself

• ‘After harming myself it sunk in what I’d done and I used to abuse myself mentally. Now, if I do harm myself I do something nice for myself afterwards.’
• ‘I will reward myself e.g. buying something nice, if I go over a certain period of time without self-harming.’
• ‘Be kind to yourself. I treat myself to a candle-lit aromatherapy bath if I’m feeling low; it’s harder to hurt myself if I’m trying to love myself.’

Focus on the positive

• ‘Every time I think of harming myself, I envisage all the good things I’ve had in my life. I think of something that makes me feel good. I think of the good/bad points of my self-harm – I think I am worth more than this – I think – who’s this gonna hurt more – me or them.’
• ‘I am trying to stop now, and have gone a couple of weeks without self-injury. I found one wonderful way that is so encouraging and helps so much. I’ve tried many different ways before and none of them worked. This one does. I keep a calendar and put a smiley face sticker on every day that I don’t cut. In the past I have found that it is very discouraging to just keep count of how many days you’ve gone without cutting because if you slip over, you have to start all over again. But by using these stickers, I can look at all the stickers on the days I didn’t self-injure compared to the few days that I did self-injure and it gives me so much encouragement. Instead of saying “Well, I made it 2 weeks and then screwed it up.” I can say, “I did good . . . I only cut once in 2 weeks.” It has worked great for me and I recommend it to anyone else who wants to stop.’
• ‘Make notes of any compliments people pay you. Put them in a box and when you get the urge to self-injure look in the box to remind yourself of the nice things people have said about you.’

Create a place of safety

• ‘Construct a sanctuary in your mind – imagine how you would like it to look – the colour, the texture, the smell, the furnishings, and the entrance. This is your safe haven – nobody and nothing can hurt you here – you are completely in control. When you are having a difficult time, or thinking about self-injury, sit quietly, close your eyes, and imagine you are in your refuge. This might take time to achieve but it can work, and some people find it a very comforting exercise.’

Get moving

• ‘Go for a long run, or a brisk walk.’
• ‘Put some loud music on and jig about or dance around the floor.’

To alleviate numbness

If you self-injure to ease feelings of numbness try squeezing an ice cube in your hand until it melts, or chew something with a strong flavour (raw onion, raw ginger root, a chilli pepper, or piece of lemon). Alternatively, as mentioned earlier, place a rubber band around your wrist and ping it to break the feeling of numbness.

Healing hint 10

Tips for reducing stress

• Gain insight into stress and what causes it – healthy levels of stress can lead to success, whereas unhealthy levels of stress can lead to distress.
• Learn the art of relaxation and tension reduction.
• Listen to your inner critic – that voice in your head that tells you what you should, ought, must, or have got to do. Try challenging the inner critic with less stressful words such as could, will, would like to . . .
• Learn to say ‘No’ without feeling guilty.
• Eliminate cant’s from your vocabulary – they put obstacles in your way. Much less stressful to tell yourself ‘I can if I choose to’.
• Learn to express your anger constructively. Bottling anger and other negative emotions such as shame and guilt can lead to stress and depression.
• Learn to give and accept compliments – what you give out you get back.
• Learn to manage your time wisely – too much activity can lead to over-stimulation and exhaustion.
• Set yourself realistic goals. Achieving goals can provide a great sense of self-satisfaction as well as increasing self-confidence and self-esteem.
• Enrol on an assertiveness course.

(See questionnaire 7 [Self-esteem/stress/assertiveness levels] in Appendix 2 to assess your current levels of stress and assertiveness).

Healing hint 11: CIS’ters

CIS’ters 7 is a well respected charity based in Hampshire – they have been operating since 1995. They run a telephone helpline, and provide support, workshops and groups for adult females who experienced sexual abuse as children, by a member of their immediate or extended family. Non incest survivors are also welcome. In addition, they organise regular conferences, as well as providing training to the statutory and voluntary sector on child abuse issues. To establish the advantages and disadvantages of belonging to a survivor run group, some of their members kindly agreed to be interviewed.

Belonging to a survivor run group: Identifying the advantages and disadvantages

Advantages

• 1.‘You know that you won’t be judged.’
• 2.‘Not having to try to be what you are not – able to be yourself.’
• 3.‘A safe place/right place to talk.’
• 4.‘Half the time people know what you are thinking, no matter what you are saying.’
• 5.‘Others really understand where you are coming from and how you are feeling, because they have had similar experiences.’
• 6.‘Being able to discuss memories and feelings with others.’
• 7.‘Knowing others who have been through “bad times” and have reached a better place.’
• 8.‘A sense of belonging.’
• 9.‘Not feeling isolated.’
• 10.‘Support from others and supporting others.’
• 11.‘Being able to share experiences (i.e. impact of the abuse).’
• 12.‘Making friends with people you can trust.’
• 13.‘Don’t feel stupid.’
• 14.‘Group is always there.’
• 15.‘Workshops put on for members.’

Disadvantages

• 1.‘Not being in the same place as other group members on their healing journey. For example, may arrive at a meeting feeling sort of ok, but could leave feeling “wobbly” if triggered by some of the things others are saying.’
• 2.‘Not feeling OK to explain to friends and family about group meetings (as it is confidential) hence, there is more secrecy. ‘
• 3.‘My paranoia was so great when I started attending the group that I thought it had been just for me and that everyone else was just actors on a stage.’
• 4.‘Sometimes you can get a feeling that “more” is expected of you especially if those around you seem to be making faster progress – even if the facilitators say it is ok to go at your own pace, you still think you should be doing more.’

Worthy of note from the members’ comments is that the advantages far outweigh the disadvantages. To conclude, the founder member Gillian, offers this advice to anyone considering setting up a survivor run group:

Providing the group is well organised, and group members remain focused on the aims of the group, a survivor run group can be a forum of creativity. An identified list of topics that members want to discuss can also be useful. New group members should be helped to settle in as they will feel nervous and the setting of group rules for membership/attendance can facilitate this, and an understanding of what support is available outside of the meeting. It is hugely important that adequate supervision is available to the group’s facilitators to ensure they are able to maintain the safe setting for group meetings, and the boundaries within it.

(To view a copy of CIS’ters ‘Member code of contact’ see Appendix 5).

A final word of caution

The Internet is replete with ideas for fighting the immediate urge to self-injure, distracting one’s thoughts away from self-injury, and keeping one’s hands busy.

Techniques frequently suggested to suppress the urge include some of those mentioned in this chapter, such as placing a rubber band on one’s wrist or finger and snapping it (to ‘snap’ oneself back into the present), or holding an ice cube against one’s skin to provide an alternative focus. While these techniques are very helpful to some people, others argue that they are merely replacing self-injury with other painful behaviours – so please make sure you feel comfortable with any strategies you decide to try. Ultimately, freedom from self-injury involves finding your own unique healing pathway.

Key points

• Self-injury may bring temporary respite from emotional pain, but longer term it can pile distress on distress.
• Letting go of self-injury is hard work and it takes time – being ready to stop means valuing yourself, caring about yourself, and believing that you deserve a better life.
• Chalking up your achievements, no matter how small, can help build the confidence and strength you need to keep your eye firmly focused on the goal of stopping.
• Talking about self-injury is healing – it breaks the silence, the shame, the guilt and the isolation.
• Recognising your triggers, identifying and staying with difficult feelings, learning to spot and challenge negative self-talk and self-criticism, and developing alternative coping strategies to replace self-injury are all stepping stones that can help you get off the treadmill of hurting yourself.
• To quote the words of singer Tori Amos, ‘Healing takes courage, and we all have courage, even if we have to dig a little to find it.’

References

• 1.Cheryl Rainfield’s Website, LoveYourself: joy-filled affirmations to inspire, encourage and comfort (2001). Retrieved May 06, 2007, from http://www.cherylrainfield.com/ Cheryl’s site offers online affirmation cards showing women and girls of many shapes, sizes, races, and ages, with encouraging and comforting messages designed to build self-esteem. She says, ‘The messages are all things I’ve needed to hear myself, as a survivor and as someone who has had great self-hate, or that I know other survivors have needed to hear.’ Her site also offers articles on self-care, self-love, and healing; articles specifically for survivors of incest and ritual abuse; an online game of affirmation concentration; hand-drawn e-cards; a free affirmation card screensaver; book reviews of teen fiction (she also writes teen fiction); articles on writing; healing links and resources; and a game section.
• 2.Annie’s website: SASI: Survivors of Abuse and Self-Injury (1999). Retrieved January 21, 2005, from: http://www.waghq.com/sasi/ & http://www.waghq.com/sasi/urges.htm
• 3.Breaking Free, Marshall House, 124 Middleton Road, Morden, Surrey SM4 6RW Support for women survivors of childhood sexual abuse Email: support@breakingfreecharity.org.uk Website: http://www.breakingfreecharity.org.uk/
• 4.Jo, Releasing emotions, Copyright © Guernsey Association for Mental Health – MIND
• 5.Jenny Stucke, Directory and Book Services (DABS), 4 New Hill, Conisbrough, Doncaster, DN12 3HA, Tel/fax: (01709) 860023 Email: books@dabsbooks.co.uk Website: http://www.dabsbooks.co.uk Specialist, confidential mail-order service for people who’ve been abused, and those who live or work with us.
• 6.Cameron, J. (1998). The Right to Write: An Invitation and Initiation into the Writing Life. New York: Tarcher/Putnam (p. 31)
• 7.CIS’ters, c/o PO Box 119, Eastleigh, Hampshire SO50 9ZF Helpline: (02380) 3380080 – Saturdays 10am – 12 noon Description: Provides support for adult females who were sexually abused as children by a member of their immediate or extended family, a quarterly newsletter; group meetings (including workshops for survivors) and training for people working with survivors.