Unfollow: how to ditch the pressure to be perfect and reclaim your life
These days, we are bombarded with advice on how our lives should look. And if you are in your twenties or early thirties, you would be justified in thinking that every aspect of your life is open to scrutiny – from what you should weigh to what you should wear, how often you should be having sex, how much money you should be making, where you should go on holiday, where you should live… The list is endless, as are the expectations. It’s little wonder that so many of us feel we are failing in some way. According to Dr Linda Papadopoulos, one of the most well-known and respected psychologists in the UK and the author of Unfollow, it’s time to write your own script and stop trying to conform to those written by society, the media and your peers.
‘It may feel really important to you that the world perceives you and the decisions you make in the ‘right’ way; that’s probably why social networking is so prevalent in our psyches – because it allows us to quantify how well we are doing by providing us with up-to-the-minute assessments of what people ‘like’ about us. The thing is though, that editing your life so that it appears OK to others is a sure-fire way to feel unfulfilled and unhappy. Stop engaging with yourself in terms of how other people see you and focus on what really matters to you. Don’t seek validation through what others ‘like’ about your life – instead, figure out what you like by getting out, experiencing life and making genuine connections with people. In real life there are successes and failures, good days and hard days, and one of the most significant lessons I learned in my twenties was to allow myself to experience both, without apologising or even seeking praise. Your experience of what is going on in your life is what ultimately counts.
As appealing as it is to make a checklist of everything that you need to get sorted at this stage in your life, remember that sometimes things will happen that you don’t expect, and no matter how organised you are or how much planning you do, you will be blindsided by stuff that life throws at you. Because of this, adaptability, more than anything, is the trait that will get you not only through your twenties and early thirties, but through life. By this I mean being able to react to what is actually happening, rather than trying to force-fit your life into some predetermined idea of what you think it ought to look like.
Many young women are plagued by the need to be perfect – and if this is your mission, let me spoil the suspense: you are not perfect; none of us is. You will make mistakes and you will feel like dropping out of things that you aren’t that good at. But the thing is, you can’t just drop out of life, so making peace with the idea that you can actually enjoy and learn from something without having to be the best at it is important. Allow yourself to make mistakes; believe me, the insight that you glean from getting things wrong is really valuable, and playing it safe by not taking chances is a far riskier strategy than just going for it, even if you aren’t certain of the outcome. But don’t forget that although going for it and working hard are great, you still need balance – burnout is not a badge of honour.
I think that slowly we may be beginning to see a redefinition of success. I’ve heard from a lot of young women who have told me that they are questioning much of the materialism that’s come into play for so long, so maybe there will be a backlash about the definitions of success; maybe there will a re-emphasis on community, on connection and on happiness.
Figuring out what you want to do with your life is, in most cases, an ongoing process; it’s not one eureka moment that hits you out of the blue. We all learn and figure out what we want as we age. Be open to experiences, live your life according to your values, follow your own path and be kind to others and to yourself. And this is key – beware of negative, defeatist self-talk. You can’t control what happens to you in life, but, crucially, you can always control how you react to it. Life is a product of your decisions, and your ability to make good ones is ruled by your beliefs and the way that you think about yourself and the world around you. It’s your life – live it on your terms.
