50 shades of fetish: sexpert Emily Dubberley’s top 50 ways to add colour to your sex life
Until 50 Shades of Grey, kinky sex was taboo. For many people the word fetish conjured up images of weedy men in rubber suits, whip-wielding women in thigh high boots and seedy clubs full of people doing unspeakable things to each other with strangely shaped devices. Now, millions of people have discovered that there is more joy to be had within sex; and that sometimes, being tied down can be one of the sexiest things around.
But if a ‘normal’ couple likes the idea of experimenting with fetish, the ‘scene’ can feel intimidating. Gimp masks, fearsome Dominatrixes, and unpleasant looking metal instruments can all make a beginner think it’s far too scary and decide to skip the whole sexual exploration thing.
However, kinky sex isn’t really all that different from, ‘vanilla’ sex. It’s simply a new way to bond with your partner, have orgasms and explore your sexuality. Whether you’ve kept your darkest fantasies to yourself or are already beginning to explore your kinkier side, Friendly Fetish will help guide you through the wonderfully decadent world of kink. So what are you waiting for? Get ready to have your mind opened and experience your wildest dreams coming true with my top 50 shades of fetish:
- 1.There’s no need to feel nervous about exploring your fantasies. As well as being fun it can also be a valuable seduction tool – telling your lover that you’ve spent the day indulging in self-pleasure while thinking about them is bound to be an ego boost, after all. All that you need to do is tap into your erotic imagination and let it flow.
- 2.While some people want certain fantasies to come true, it’s by no means the case that every fantasy is something that you would necessarily want to be a reality. That’s one of the joys of sexual fantasy: you can indulge in sordid acts that you’d never really want to experience in real life, and make sure that everything goes exactly the way that you want it to.
- 3.Fantasies offer a fantastic way to explore different sides of your sexual persona. In the same way that you wear different ‘masks’ with different people, being the child, colleague or friend depending on who you are talking to, fantasy allows you to explore the libertarian, the submissive, the exhibitionist and numerous other aspects of your sexual make up.
- 4.By indulging your fantasies, you’re opening yourself up to new physical experiences as there’s a specific type of orgasm that can be experienced with no physical contact, using nothing more than the power of your mind. Called the psycholagnic orgasm, it’s achieved by focusing on erotic thoughts rather than physical sensations. Although it’s more common in women than in men. It’s certainly true that both genders can become aroused by words and thoughts alone: why do you think phone sex lines are so popular?
- 5.Fantasy and reality are two entirely different things and there’s no reason to feel guilty. If you feel uncomfortable about some of your fantasies, try to work out why. Whatever the reason that you feel bad about your fantasies, it’s worth dealing with (through counselling if need be) so that you can accept your sexuality in all its forms.
- 6.You don’t have to share all of your fantasies with your partner – accepting your fantasies is purely about your own happiness and sense of self worth. However, sharing some of your fantasies with a partner can be a wonderful way to increase the intimacy between you and learn more about what makes your partner tick.
- 7.If you have free and open conversations about sex with your partner on a regular basis then you could just drop your fantasies into conversation. This can either be outside the bedroom, so that you can discuss things in a ‘hands off’ way, or during sexy talk as a form of foreplay.
- 8.If you find the idea of blurting your fantasies out to a partner too intimidating, take a softer approach by buying an erotic book that covers a range of fantasies and taking it in turns to read each other stories from the book.
- 9.To share your fantasies, you could read your partner an erotic story you’ve written. You don’t need to be a literary genius to do this: just write the way that you speak and your natural ‘voice’ will shine through.
- 10.Fantasy and role play can both be aided with a host of accessories, whether purely mental or more physical in nature. Certain books, videos and websites can fuel the fire of your fantasies while investing in some sexy outfits or props can add extra reality to your fantasy life – if that’s what you want to do.
This extract has been taken from Friendly Fetish: A beginner’s guide to kink. Author Emily Dubberley is the founder of www.cliterati.co.uk, an erotic website for women, and was founding editor of Scarlet, a sex magazine for women. She is has written for countless magazines, newspapers and websites and is frequently quoted as a ‘sexpert’ in the press.